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Who would have thought cheerleading would take off so far from Mom’s apple pie? Bangkokrecorder went to marvel at Thailand's unique brand of faux-Americana… 
In 1889, the University of Minnesota was playing its last football game of the season against Northwestern University. No one remembers who won that game, and considering that players still wore optional leather helmets and the “flying wedge” formation was still legal, no one is sure whether any of the players died either. Yet, the game was historic for another reason, as it was on that gray late autumn afternoon that Johnny Campbell stood in front of the crowd, brazenly pressed his wooden megaphone to his lips and directed the crowd on ways in which to cheer, thus solidifying himself as the world’s first cheerleader.  Starting with Mr. Campbell, cheerleading spread rapidly like a virus to every conceivable corner of the world. Well… not exactly. It’s popularity was, in fact, gradual, and it is still predominantly an American sport. However, it has gained a modest level of recognition in other countries, including Thailand.
So, how did it arrive here? Why did it grow in popularity? Why do Thais cheer when neither American football nor basketball are played here? Well, all those questions can wait for another day. Let’s get right into the hard-core cheerleading action!
Seacon Square, the sprawling shopping complex located on the outskirts of Bangkok, provided the appropriate backdrop for the competition. After all, what better way to showcase a sport originating in America than in a venue catering to what America does best – feeding the masses’ unwavering appetite for hollow consumerism?
The 2005 National Cheerleading Competition consisted of ten high school and university co-ed cheer squads that were each given about three minutes with which to perform and woo the judges. This consisted of some initial jumping and human-pyramid building, followed by a quick breakdown when the performers would actually cheer and clap, followed by more jumping, flipping and human-pyramid constructing, and ending with the members unrolling a large team banner. After one cheer performance was finished, another team quickly filled the stage.
 All this took place as the teams’ respective fans in the audience went wild with banners and whistles. A little too wild at times. Rumors circulated after the competition that a mother of one of the high school boys actually suffered a brain aneurysm as a result of prolonged whistle blowing. This report was unsubstantiated and could therefore not be independently verified. But few if any of the attendees would be shocked to learn if one of the fans perished in this manner.
Interestingly, the Thai version of cheerleading differs little from the American counterpart in terms of cheering technique. But there were differences, however, all of which were distinctively, well, Thai in nature.
It is widely known that in Thailand, there is less emphasis on masculinity in relation to other countries. Therefore, the boys and men who comprised half of the squads usually wore more makeup than the females.
 And speaking of cosmetics, there was plenty of eye-liner, mascara and glitter to go around. The makeup, coupled with the extravagantly garish outfits would have put audience members from a ’74 New York Dolls concert to shame.
Five high school teams and five university teams, along with one team from Western Australia awkwardly thrown into the mix, took part in the action. The cheers were all quite impressive and involved massive amounts of throwing, catching, hand-springing, back-flipping, and the most distinctive feature of any cheerleader the world over, fake-smiling.
For the cheerleading layman, it’s often difficult to determine which teams performed better than the rest, unless an obvious gaffe occurs, such as dropping a thrown teammate on her return to the earth, not smiling throughout the entire performance, or yelling out the name of an opposing team’s mascot during a fit of unbridled cheering passion.
The cheerleading performances were entertaining in many ways, sometimes even nonironically, but the real enjoyment came from analyzing the teams’ accompanying musical pieces. The cacophonous songs consisted of three or four pop hits, such as Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name,” Destiny’s Child’s “Crazy in Love,” or the Baha Men’s “Who Let the Dogs out,” sped up to match an accelerated drum track akin to a crack head’s heartbeat after stealing a bag of donuts and running from the police, and interlaced with various sound effects. These were especially captivating, as the highlights included a record scratch, a pinball machine, a large explosion, an ambulance siren, a car alarm, a slide whistle, a monkey squeal, boastful sayings such as “NUMBER ONE,” successive commands such as “GO GO GO,” rhetorical questions such as “So you want to be a cheerleader?” and the ever-popular “YEAH” shouted by Mike D just before the Beastie Boys’ “Fight For Your Right (To Party).”
And let’s not forget, the whistles. Every team’s recorded song contained the sounds of a whistle in some capacity. The crowd seemed to thoroughly enjoy this aspect of the music, as they tooted along loudly at every available opportunity. With the sounds of whistles all around, many audience members grew confused and Pavlovianly attempted to parallel park their chair.
 After the final round of the cheering had ended, two representatives from all teams stood onstage while the emcees read the names of the finalists. The pool of entrants was narrowed to two squads: Bangkok University and Dhurakij Pandit University, which with their title “Vanquish” won my award as the best verb-centered team name in the history of spectator sports.
Last year’s winner Bangkok University emerged as this year’s champion. The announcement was made, the crowd went wild, whistles blew, tears of joy or sorrow began to fall, mascara began to run down the cheeks of both the males and females -- it truly was an inspiring moment.
 So what would Mr. Campbell have thought if he was teleported through time to Seacon Square that afternoon and witnessed these young Thai kids with all their ballyhoo and glittery eye makeup, their fast-thumping base tracks and deafening whistles? Would he have joined in the audience’s celebration by grabbing a whistle and hand-made sign of his own? Would he have grabbed his old-timey wooden megaphone, hiked up on stage and given those young whippersnappers the performance of a lifetime? Or, would he have sat in his chair, frozen in terror at the spectacle of it all, not to mention all the scary technological advancements such as the escalator and TV camera? The world may never know…
by Eric Taylor
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